God loves me so why do I still feel so sad?

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

I have been a Christian for nearly 20 years and I have suffered with clinical depression for over 25 years, I know without doubt God loves me, He loves me so much He sent His son to die for me and my sin. I also know without doubt, God is so wonderful and always answers prayer, even if He sometimes says no. And there is nothing He cannot do, He is completely trustworthy.

I was created in His image of Love, Holiness etc. So how, then, can I be so sad all the time, I have the Holy Spirit in me and have access to all that love and, therefore, I am capable of reflecting all that love. But Instead I am sad and angry all the time! As a child of God how can I be like this?

I am absolutely convinced God is perfect, and “In all things he works for the good of those that love Him” (Romans 8:28), therefore God has not made me sad and angry, He has allowed it, but He is not the architect of my sadness and anger. So what is?

I live in a fallen world “dead in [it’s] transgressions and sins …. followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.” (Ephesians 2:1-2). I am surrounded by the internet, which has “Earthly” attractions, I live surrounded by daily violence, I listen to the news each day and hear of wars, violence, divorce and so on. I am swamped with worldly views on relationships and sex without consequences. It is very easy to be overwhelmed  by all this and to stop “offering my body as a living sacrifice” and to start “Conform[ing] to the pattern of this world“. This is my weakness, my lack of self-control and my selfishness, and not God’s will. Also let us not forget, there is Satan, the “King of the Air” who is the greatest liar there ever was and will be, who tempts me all the time. Saying “Did God really say...” (Genesis 3:1), and “it’s alright just this once….”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-25

So how can I regain these fruits? In simple terms, on my own, I can’t. I need three things:-

1. The Holy Spirit – I have the Holy Spirit in me (Acts 2:38), so I can take the first step and call on the Holy Spirit and the fruits of doing this are “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control”.
2. The forgiveness through Jesus – If I truly believe and live my life KNOWING Jesus died for ME and paid for MY sin giving ME the free gift of eternal life.
3. Take the First Step – In both of the above there is a need for me to take the first step of asking and believing. Once I do this God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit will do the rest. probably using me.

So now I can ask for help “to offer [my] body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God” and for help not to “conform to the pattern of this world” and to “be transformed by the renewing of [my] mind“.

This means I can ask not to be sad, and I can expect God to answer me. But what if he says “No”, In 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 Paul talks of asking God to remove a “Thorn” from his side and God says “No” by saying “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.“, and Paul’s reply is “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” so even if I stay sad I can take “Love, joy, peace, forbearance” in the knowledge that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. I can boast that I am sad, because I know that, in my sadness I am strong; because of Jesus.

I will continue to ask for more of the Holly Spirit, I will continue to ask of the Holly Spirit. I will continue to read my Bible to know more of Jesus, and the great sacrifice He made for ME, and spend more and more time in prayer asking and believing. I will spend more time praising God and boasting of my weakness.